“I’ve Had Enough of This Vegan Shit!!!”

Disclaimer: Dear Friends, don’t take offense. I’m a witty writer, so I observe situations and find the humor in it.

 

Now that I got that out the way, let’s get to the story.

 

I’m so tired of this! If I hear another person  repeatedly say, “I’m a vegan!” I’m going to eat a steak, egg, and cheese sandwich in their face, just to make them mad!

 

And the funny thing is, I never have a problem with outside vegans; You know, people on social media, blogs, etc. The vegans I hate are my friends! This weekend ABSOLUTELY topped it all for me.

 

Me and a friend went to NY for the weekend, and eventhough I enjoyed myself very much so, I didn’t enjoy the fact that my friend made the statement, “I’m a vegan!” over 200 times. I didn’t count, but I’m pretty sure it was over 200 times. I think I’m being a bit generous with that number.

 

We haven’t hung out in a while. She happened to be out of the country for a few years, so this was our way to rekindle our friendship. I knew she became a vegan, but I had NO idea she was this obsessed with the lifestyle.

 

The whole ride to NY, “I’m a Vegan!” at a break stop in the Starbucks line “I’m a vegan!” Even during her cat nap on the road trip, she woke up like “I’m a vegan!” I’m like Oh my Gosh!

 

And when the Starbucks employee topped her soy skinny latte with a squirt of whipped cream just to jazz it up and look presentable for her, all hell broke loose. You would’ve thought the woman spit in her cup. In my mind, I’m like “This is insane!”

 

When we made it back on the road, she pulled out this vegan survival pack. It had pears, nuts, and some other stuff in it. She tossed a pear in the air like, “Catch!” I tried to dodge it, but mistakenly caught it anyway.  I’m like, “No Thanks. I had some walnuts, seeds, an avocado, and pickles for breakfast this morn. I’ll just enjoy my green tea latte.  I’m REALLY saving my stomach for some good ole international food!”

I started laughing, and took a few sips of my latte. I thought she was laughing also, but when I looked over to hand the pear back, she had this possessed vegan look on her face like, “Eat the pear or DIE!!!!!!!!”

I went from laughing to EXTREMELY terrified. It went silent for a few seconds. I was looking at her like Oook!! After that look, I was like, “You know what? I’m going to take you up on your offer.

 

I took a bite of the pear, and it tasted like everything, BUT a pear. I tasted perfume, chapstick, and probably a couple old books she had in her bag. In my mind, I’m like “WHAT have I gotten myself into? As soon as she turned her head, I kindly wrapped it in a napkin and placed it in my bag. For some reason, that one little bite had me nauseous.

 

I was like, “So what’s your eating regimen now?” Maybe I can incorporate some of your ideas into my own plan. She simply replied, “six.” I’m like, “Ohhhhh, okay six small meals a day? I’m doing that already.” She said, “No, six apples a day……six oranges a day…….6 mangos sometimes.”

 

I looked at her with this “Are you crazy?” Type of look on my face. Who in their right mind would eat that much fruit in a day? Am I a chimpanzee? A Gorilla? I don’t care what some of these health books say. I’m not eating that much fruit.

 

So, we’re finally in New York and while we were walking to the train station, this guy hands us a flyer.  I stopped to take a closer look at it, and noticed the flyer was advertising this new restaurant in the area. It had pictures of roast beef sandwiches, turkey club sandwiches, burgers, etc. It looked REALLY good at the moment. I started licking my lips looking at the ad like mmmmm. I slipped into an unconscious “I’m starving” type of state.

 

Two seconds later, I slipped back into consciousness from hearing the words “Ohhhhhh noooooo!!!” It was my friend yelling and shoving the flyer back in the guy’s chest. He was like, “What’s the problem Ms?!” She said “I’m a vegan!” He said, “You’re a what? A deacon?” and she replied back, “No, a Vegan!” “What’s that?” he asked. She said “I don’t eat meat.” He looked at her dead in the eye and was like “Oh okay, I’m one of those too.”  I started laughing. I know you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but he looked as if he JUST finished off a meat sandwich. He had all kinds of weird stains on his jacket.

 

“That guy really tried to play me! I don’t eat meat!” (yelIing at the guy who was way up the street by now) I responded, “Well, I actually….” In the middle of my sentence she was like “You know what? I’m so over it! let’s get some lunch!” I’m like “Ok, because I’m getting a little hungry anyway!” The whole time we were walking, this felt like the hardest decision I ever had to make. I didn’t know if I wanted east or west Indian food.

 

After about 15 mins of walking, she was like “We’re almost there. Just a few more minutes.” At that particular moment, my nostrils grew big. I was waiting to smell some jerk or curry chicken! I could actually feel my mouth-watering. Do you know how long I have been waiting to taste some NY international food?

 

She was like, “Wheew, we are finally here!” We walked up to this grayish clear door. The crazy part was, I didn’t smell anything cooking. No plantains, no rice & peas, and definitely no curry chicken. We walked in the store, and it looked like one those typical hole in the wall Bodegas. I’m looking for the menu, but I didn’t see anything! I noticed my friend walking towards the back of the store. I’m like, “Oh, ok! This must be one of those places where they have the old lady in the back of the store cooking up everything! My friend was like “I’m back here Tee!” I started walking fast to reach the back of the store. My friend was like, “So,

……………we have three options………………….cashews, almonds, or peanuts? Our best bet is the almonds because these other nuts are not very healthy.”

 

HOLD UP…..COME AGAIN…..cashews, almonds, or peanuts? I started stuttering like, “Where’s the food? This isn’t the international place?” She was like, “Oh, I didn’t know you wanted Lunch Lunch! I thought you just wanted Lunch.”

 

PLEASE TELL ME, WHAT THE HELL IS LUNCH LUNCH??? THERE’S ONLY ONE LUNCH, AND IT’S CALLED LUNCH!!!!

 

I really wanted to say, “You know what? Kiss my ass! I’m going home!!!” But I held my composure, acted conservative and simply asked, “So when will we eat Lunch, Lunch?”

 

She said, “After we come from the Art Festival.

 

I was so pissed, I walked out of the store like, “I had walnuts this morning!”

 

By the time we made it to the Art Festival, I was so hungry, I could eat a horse!!!” I said, “You know what? I’m just going to eat something here at the festival. There’s plenty of food here! You can take me to the international restaurant next time.”

 

She said ok, “Let’s get started then!” In my mind I’m like, “Get started?” We walked to the first food vendor and she was like “Meat!” We walked to the second food vendor and she was like “Meat!” Walked to the third spot she was like “Meat!” By the time she reached the fourth vendor, she went in turbo speed walking past the other food vendors like, “Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat!” As soon as I noticed it, we had reached the last food vendor. She was like, “All the vendors have meat, but this is the only vendor who has a few vegan items on their menu. I already checked.” I’m like, “Does she have vegan sensors embedded in her brain? This is absolutely crazy!!! I started looking at the menu, but I could sense her looking at me from the corner of my eye. Like she was meat security or something. I swear, the way she was looking at me, it felt like she wanted to say, “GO ahead and flake! Go ahead and flake!” I’m like, “You know what? Forget this!………..let me get!……the avocado sandwich…… hold the cheese please…ughhh

 

I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten meat around an obsessed vegan before. It will be the most terrible meal of your life!!!!! You have to hear about the bad effects of eating a meat based diet. I don’t even eat meat based meals out of the house. Only on occasions. I usually eat meat in the house because I buy grass-fed meat from local farms. But at times, I DO get the craving for meat while I’m out, and I can’t even enjoy it in peace. This particular day, I wanted meat. I had my mind set on curry chicken. I said, “I’ll hear about the dangers of meat as long as I eat my curry chicken today.” It’s like, “Leave me alone and enjoy your seaweed rice ball!” I enjoy my occasional meat treats by myself most of the time. I’m actually saving myself from dying. I always felt like there was going to be a time where they talk about my meal so much, that I just spazz on them, and probably choke on a chicken bone and die. Then they’ll look over my body and be like, “See, you should’ve been a true vegan!” But I’m not a damn vegan lol. I never told them I was a vegan! Just because I eat what they eat most of the time, My friends think I’m a vegan who occasionally cheats on the lifestyle. I have my own eating lifestyle. It’s called eating whatever the hell I want, which is 75% raw and 25% whatever. This is what makes me happy, and if I die from eating this way, so be it.

 

Everyday it’s like an on going battle with some vegans. Like I say, it doesn’t matter how healthy you eat, that doesn’t determine how long you’ll live. It just improves the quality of life. The stress from trying to eat perfect will kill you.

 

Plus, vegans are carb crazy! They don’t want to admit it. Both of my friends are fry queens! After we left the Art Festival, my friend rushed to this spot and brought a large plate of waffle fries, and was going crazy on them. I ate like 3 fries. They were so nasty and salty.

In my opinion, some vegans don’t want to be around meat eaters because they know they’ll give in. I’ve actually been robbed by a “vegan” friend once. About 5 years ago, I ordered a fish sandwich from Mcdonald’s and my friend started telling me how the fish sandwich was the most dangerous food item on the menu, and blah blah blah…..blah blah blah (Like I didn’t know this already). As soon as I knew it, she was like, “Hand over the sandwich.” I’m like, “What?” She was like, “You heard me, give me your sandwich.” She Grabbed my sandwich and went crazy like she hasn’t eaten in days.

 

This same vegan friend went to the local downtown market with me to get breakfast. I brought the French toast, eggs, and sausage. She brought the same thing, but she had DOUBLE bacon with hers. On top of that, she finished her meal before me, and wanted my sausage also!

 

Now, this was the absolute truth;  Two days later, we were talking on the phone and she was telling me she had been a vegan for years; like I was a total stranger. I asked, “Didn’t you just eat a meat based breakfast at the local market the other day?” Guess what she said? “No I didn’t.”

Lol I don’t even bother to get into it…

 

So, there you have it. I have one friend who’s an overly obsessed vegan, and the other is a friend who suffers from vegan dementia. She doesn’t remember when she eat meat. She seems to think she’s been a vegan for years.

 

On the ride back home from NY, my friend was still talking about this vegan stuff. I cut her off like, “I’m not a vegan! I don’t follow any specific type of lifestyle. I’ve developed my own way of life and meat is a part of it. If people can’t accept my lifestyle, then we really can’t associate.”  She was looking at me like I just denounced myself from a vegan gang or something. It got quiet for a few minutes. She had this sad ass look on her face……She said “You know what? I don’t know about you ….but……..I’M A VEGAN!!!!!!!!!!”

 

I threw my hands up……I’m done……


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