I have been taking care of my ill grandmother since 2011. I always found myself becoming angry at my family because they weren’t there for her as often as me. At times, I would get jealous when I heard family members were traveling and doing what they wanted, when they wanted. It caused me to have some type of resentment towards them, and view them as selfish beings.
Now that I look at it, it wasn’t even worth getting mad over. I used to ask the same questions over and over again; “Why can’t they don’t do this?” and “Why can’t they don’t do that?” My mother would always say, “Well, you weren’t obligated to take on this responsibility Tiearra!” And I would respond, “If not me, then who?”
I had to do some deep meditation and I’ve come to the realization of things; I’m not in this by myself. My other grandmother has been right there next to me, helping me take care of my ill grandmother. She used to say, “Just let me help you! You can’t do all of this by yourself!” and I would say, “It’s not your responsibility! It’s mines!” I would say to myself “What does it look like having my grandmother take care of my other grandmother? I’m the granddaughter! That’s my job!” But I thought about it and said to myself, “Let her help.” Immediately after I granted her the permission to help, she took over her position a little bit too much. Every 5 minutes, “Did you feed your grandmother?” “Did you wash your grandmother’s clothes?” It’s like Gosh! You would’ve thought she had one eyeball and one leg!
At times, I was so stressed. One night I was at the red light, and I just broke down emotionally. My grandmother and my uncle, who happens to have asperger’s, were getting kicked out of their apartment the next day, and I had to find them a place to stay immediately. I did not want to see them on the streets.
I said to myself,” I can’t do this! This is overwhelming.” I started to cry uncontrollably. This homeless man walked up to my window at the red light begging for change. I just looked at him and shook my head. Everything he was saying seemed like a foreign language to me. I had tears flowing down my face, and was just looking at him with this blank stare. I wasn’t in the mood to be bothered. The light turned green, and I pulled off. I drove about 2 blocks, then something told me to pull over. I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed the old man limping down the street towards my car. He finally came to the passenger window. I rolled the window halfway down, and put my face in my hand. I didn’t want him to ask me what was wrong. He didn’t even bother to ask (LOL). He saw me with my face in my hand, but began to beg anyway. All I heard were words; I wasn’t even looking at him.
[Homeless Man] Ms. Can you help me out please? I’m trying to get something to eat. I haven’t eaten in four days. All I need is like $1 so I can buy some packs of noodles until I get my disability check. I live around the corner. I’ll pay you back! Ms. Please! I have a cell phone see! (more…)